I have some serious problems with SpectorSoft's spyware software. The company advertises one part of the package, called Spector, by promising it can "secretly record everything your spouse, children and employees do online" on a particular computer. The other part is eBlaster, which lets the user "find out everything your spouse, children and employees do online via e-mail."

Picture millions of married couples, J. Edgar and J. Edwina Hoovers, running around monitoring and spying on each other, their children and their employees.

There are lots of reasons SpectorSoft's monitoring and surveillance software is a terrible idea, but fair is fair. I seem to be among a distinct minority who has reacted negatively to these Big Brother-ish programs.

Kudos from others

PC Magazine praises the technical ease of SpectorSoft's installation, configuration and ease of use. Only in the last paragraph do we get some unease about what the software can do. "Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of being a wanna-be James Bond," the article allows. "If conscience isn't an issue, however, or if you plan to notify the person being monitored, eBlaster can be a very powerful tool in your spying arsenal."

Yes ... "if conscience isn't an issue." But isn't the raison d'čtre for this software to catch someone unaware?

Brian Chick, at CyberWalker Media Syndicate, opens his review thusly: "This program works so well it's scary." Later, Chick writes: "Spector would also be useful to parents who want to see what the little ones do on the Internet, what sites they visit and who they chat with." Somewhat more ominously, he concludes: "Spector does what it says it will do. Kids and employees will hate it."

In a review for PC World Philippines, H. G. Bulos gleefully writes: "There is something fiendishly gratifying about taking a peek at what other people do when no one is watching. Especially when you want to catch them in the act. Suspicious that your spouse is having a steamy online affair? Wondering if your 13-year-old has discovered the joys of cyber-sex? Making sure that your employees are not wasting company time playing games?"

Fiendishly gratifying? Perhaps for the would-be spy, but certainly not for the spouses, children or employees he or she is targeting.

Ethical realities

Only Peter H. Lewis at The New York Times seems interested in exploring the ethical issues. Lewis notes that the program's supporters say it "can provide parents with early warning" - listing every parent's worst fears: drugs, suicide, a preying pedophile. And it can reveal the spouse who e-mails her lover about her plans to do away with her husband. Yet at base, Lewis writes, Spector "is a program that runs on an operating system of distrust and secrecy."

Lewis also notes the relative ease with which a "skilled hacker would be able to send the program to someone else's computer, perhaps as an e-mail attachment" and thus secretly spy on anyone. SpectorSoft President Doug Fowler demurs, telling Lewis: "I would never advise anyone to put it on a computer that isn't owned by them."

Of course! Ethics are important in this line of work.

Psychological realities

Love. Trust. The two primal forces that meld a relationship. Lacking either or both, a relationship rips asunder. I co-authored a book with my wife on marital therapy, as well as a college-level textbook on marriage and family, so I have some background here. Spying on your spouse is not a sign of a troubled or potentially troubled relationship: It is the sign of a dying or dead relationship. Spying is just looking for proof you didn't kill it, that is wasn't your fault.

If there is a suspicion that one's spouse is having a relationship outside marriage, it's probably true. Deep down, you already know; you've seen and understood the signals. You just don't want to confront it face-to-face. That's too scary. So you focus all your attention on the evidence - the e-mail, the chat room, the Web site. You play and replay the evidence, while feeling smug or self-righteous. But you never face one another, one-on-one, and confront that human reality. That would take courage.

As for spying on your child, wondering if he or she is doing or saying or seeing things you don't like or approve of, get over it. The child is going to do it whether you spy or not, if not on his or her computer, then on someone else's. Trusting childrem means telling them that, as a parent, you have fears for and about them. Admit you're apprehensive about their ability to handle a whole series of realities that mystified, confused and frightened you as a child - some of which continue to frighten you today as a parent and adult.

Instead of destroying your children's trust by spying on them - they will find out; they're much smarter than you think - try honesty. Talk about it. Not once. Not even once a week or once a month, but every time you get anxious. Your child is likely to respond to your honesty with honesty of his or her own. Not always and certainly not easily. But often enough that you should reconsider the idea of spying on your child, instead exhibiting honest concern and appropriate, up-front protectiveness.

As for using spyware on employees, when you can catch the worst ones, you'll fire them, of course; the mediocre ones will find another way to stick it to you. The best ones will quit and work at a place that won't spy on them.

Right now, the law seems to be saying that spying on employees is legal.

Just like the law used to say that it was legal to work people 10 or 12 hours per day in sweatshop conditions or exclude people from voting based on the color of their skin.

That still doesn't make it right.